Adventures in Kindling

June 28, 2019 - Uncategorized

It’s Tinder time for silly reasons so let’s play a quick game of what the ever loving hell is going on here.

• Looking for a guy to plow while her actual boyfriend is out of the house. Well this is off to a promising start.

• Photo is of a Jeep next to a brick wall. That’s not a commentary on appearance, there is literally no person in this photograph. Is this person actually a Transformer? Is this person perhaps the graffiti?

• Photo is of a dog. Again, literally a dog. No other photographs. There is a dog 1 km away who is looking to meet people via Tinder. This is the only thing I can conclude.

• This one’s on a boat. Not a big relaxing I don’t have to do anything boat. A little outdoorsy I like my leisure time to involve manual labor and daunting environmental exposure boat. Also she explains her hobbies with 11 emojis and her height. I’m sure there’s someone out there for you, tall boat lady.

• “I floss regularly.” It should concern me that this, the totality of this person’s profile, might actually be a selling point. She seems way too happy about a mediocre Jenga tower.

• “If you aren’t down to accept the 13 times I hit snooze in the morning…” I mean I could care less what you do in the privacy of your own home. Have fun with that, tardiness disciplinary action at work lady.

• “Perfect summer fling material.” Duly flung.

• Wait a minute is this one just the last one but without the makeup and filters? Same name, same age, same distance… I’m just gonna guess yes and do another summer fling.

• “I have a pet fox… well technically she’s a dog.” So you have a pet dog and you’re a liar.

• “K. Less than a kilometre away.” I am unclear whether “K” is a name or an abbreviation of her distance. This lack of clarity suggests she joins Chelsea and Chelsea in the land of the flung.

• I feel like if you have to describe yourself as both kind and compassionate, you might be a red flag. Sporty and outdoorsy are definite red flags, of course…

• “Feed me pizza.” Oh no. Not after midnight. I’ve seen that movie. (No I haven’t).

• This person is doing squats while holding two steins full of beer. Outdoors. CHELSEAS!

• This one has an Instagram filter so severe that it literally looks like her own face is a porcelain mask. Hexadecimated.

• I’m sorry, you’re not 35. You’re just not.

• …this is literally the same photo just rotated. Did you think people wouldn’t notice?

• Wait this one is a lesbian. Literally. Why is this… I don’t understand. I really don’t. Let’s see if the Chelseas can explain it to me.

• Now this one almost roped me in, but I spy a bicycle and I’m a sucker for laziness.

• WWE and wine? What Would Merlin Do… not this.

• Why are you sideways?

• You’re right, random girl, NOBODY likes this app. You get a right swipe just for that. If god forbid we should happen to match I’ll be like “So yeah. I hate it too.” Glorious conversation topic.

• This one’s a daisy with two children under the age of 5. I don’t think I’ve ever seen herbivore.

Well that was a good squandering of a few minutes. Perhaps I shall attempt the Bumble next. I’m sure I can bumble my way through it.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *