In the Grim Darkness of the Far Future, There is Only Seuss

May 23, 2017 - Off Topic

Someone made the terrible, wonderful mistake earlier today of off-handedly mentioning a mashup of Dr. Seuss and Warhammer 40K. Not being tremendously familiar with the latter, I obviously…

Well let’s not kid ourselves, I did what I do. Enjoy the results.

• If I Knelt To Chaos, by Dr. Seuss

“It’s a foul Black Crusade,” said young Ursarkar Creed
“And the fellow in charge foul of thought and of deed!”
“But if I knelt to Chaos,” said Ursarkar Creed
“I’d hash out a plan before trying to lead!”

• How The C’Tan Smote Craftworlds

All the Eldar on Craftworlds liked Ynnead a lot
but the Necrons who lived on their Tomb Worlds DID NOT
They hated these gods, and the fools who, believin’
Would never ask why mortal coils they’d be leavin’

It could be their bodies (of metal they’re made)
Or memories of how the Star-gods betrayed!
But I think that the most likely cause of their quirks
Is that under that metal, the Necrons are jerks.

• One ‘Nid Two ‘Nid

One ‘nid, two ‘nid, dead ‘nid, new ‘nid
Eight ‘nid, twelve ‘nid, mankind ended

• Greenskins and WAAAAGH!

You may like them in a war
They multiply with breeding spores!
I do not like them in a war
I do not like their breeding spores
I do not like the Biker Boyz
I do not like their salvaged toys
I only ask for some relief
From being asked to pay in “teef”
I do not like a Flashy Git
No, Sam, I won’t put up with it!
I don’t like Gretchins, Grots or Squigs
I’d rather live with squealing pigs
I would not worship Gork or Mork
I would not hang out with an Ork
I do not like these greenskin scum
Despoiling my Imperium!

• The Khorne in the Hat

The sun did not shine
It was too far away
So in darkness we marched
To prepare for the slay

I marched there with Angron
We sang as we slew,
And I said, “How I wish
we’d more victims to hew!”

Too weak to oppose us
Too frail and too small,
So we sat in the carnage
(We’d slaughtered them all)

So all we could to was to
sit, sit, sit, sit!
And we did not like it
Not one little bit

And then something went SHTUNK
As we sat there, blood-drunk

We looked! Then we saw him
Step out of the rift
We looked! And beheld
our Lord Khorne, with a gift
And he said to us,
“Time to be brutal and swift!”

“We must kill them all!”
cried the Khorne in the Hat
“Blood for the Blood God,
and skulls and all that!”

• Horton Watches Maccrage

The Ultramarines, they would never relent
– the Emperor’s faithful, one hundred percent!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *