You’d better believe it remained silly. We continue with our rampage through nonsense.
• “just looking for late night fun,” says this one’s bio, along with an emoji I cannot interpret. It appears to be fingers, and the index finger is either launching or possibly being tortured with some sort of matchstick or needle. Perhaps it’s shooting a magical ray. It might be a paintbrush. I am very unclear and she is very off to the left now.
• This one’s “anthem” is After Today, from A Goofy Movie. She would have had me provided she had any taste at all; the correct answer is always I 2 I, though I would have accepted Stand Out as a backup choice. Stupid Amy.
• This one is a terrifying hellserpent and extraordinarily metal. Alternately she might have just taken a photograph of a tattoo. As there is no way to confirm, line forms to the left.
• “It goes down in the DM.” As our playgroup’s Dungeon Master, I am deeply concerned about what exactly “goes down in” me and suspect it might be an alien probe. She has also taken a “sexy” pic of herself kneeling on a child’s number playmat. I am not sure what this is intending to convey apart from “send me to the Leftbyss.” Off y’get.
• I’d just like to point out that I’m doing this while listening to “The Map Room Dawn” from Raiders of the Lost Ark.
• Maybe I should set my “anthem” to Mad About Me, by Figrin D’An and the Modal Nodes.
• I’m always concerned when their photo is only half of their face and they’re standing at the edge of the frame. Karla, are you secretly Two-Face and concealing your literal other half from me? You know what? I bet if I swiped to the left I’d see the rest of the photo in passing.
• Didn’t work.
• “Child and Youth Counsellor.” Well I don’t date children.
• Right so this one’s bio is entirely emoji-based. Let’s see how I do here: “Teacher dog house Earth wave camping wine coffee sushi football weightlifting broken emoji box beige female paint tickets books hearts no smoking.” Huh. That actually did manage to convey a lot. Of this person to the left of the screen byeeee
• Now the Terminator theme has come on. This will put me into a bad mood. Stupid Fiedel not being able to use a normal rhythm.
• Oh lord, this one is a Chelsea. We know where Chelseas go. Let’s see what she has to say, though: “Im a massage therapist” Who is Im? Im is not your name, nor is it a pronoun… are you trying to hook me up with your friend Im? What else can you tell me… “Im an animal lover” this Im sounds intriguing “Im real and honest” excellent qualifications “PS Im over 6 ft tall” No concerns there. Well then. Let’s say goodbye to Chelsea and go looking for Im.
• This one’s name is Jam. I am led to understand that she is therefore unlikely to “shake like that.” Almost want to swipe right just so I could open with “U jelly?”
• I swear this Endgame track will one day be used for military advertising.
• Taylor is a fan of giant balloons that proclaim her 24th birthday. She has two pictures of herself with these, wearing different outfits.
• Amanda has three of the exact same picture in here. Perhaps she was concerned that it wouldn’t upload.
• “Looking for someone who is secure enough with himself to mow through a plate of nachos” that doesn’t take any degree of security. I’m a bit concerned that you think otherwise. “and watch the Bachelor/Bachelorette with me.” I mean that’s not emasculating, that’s tacky. Secure I am, tacky I am not.
• AGAIN with the hiking. It’s a bloody epidemic. Can we get an un-Tinder where these girls could just meet each other to be hiking buddies?
• Very next one, I kid you not: hiking.
• “Tell me how it is or bye.” Snrk. “Or.”
• “Dog lover. Cat lover. Movie.” I’m so confused. Are you a film? “Skiing. Sometimes gym.” This is not helping. “Nintendo Switch. Something else too.”
• SOMETHING ELSE TOO? DON’T LEAVE ME HANGING YOU MADWOMAN. ARE YOU AN ALIEN? A ZUCCHINI? A CORAL REEF? THE GAME OF LACROSSE?
• Something tells me this one is a Harry Potter fan. Maybe it’s the scarf, wand, and transdimensional trolley.
• This one’s photo is her grinning maniacally over a man passed out on a public bench in the night. And her name is “Malerie.” Either she can’t spell, or she’s like an evil Valerie.
• 35 with a 17 year old child. Risk of becoming a grandfather intensifies…
• Four pictures, one crazy intense stare. I am successfully intimidated.
• VEGETARIAN SPOTTED. DESTROY WITH PREJUDICE.
• “Considers everything her favorite.” Oh no. No we will not get along. “Fluent in Gif.” Unless you mean space hippo language, in which case you spelled it wrong, GTFO.
• Photo of girl embracing large stuffed moose. “Just looking for a pal to sleep with occasionally.” Won’t be me, that’s for damn sure.
• “In search of a Knight in shining armour to slay eight legged foes.” SHE IS AN ENEMY OF THE AURUMVORAX AND SLEIPNIR THE MOUNT OF ODIN. WE MUST ANSWER HER CALoh she means spiders. Lame.
• “I love nature” bye.
• “I need a drink.” So do I at this point, Christina, so do I.
• …wait is this actually Laura Dern? Is this Laura Dern from 1993? I swear this is Laura Dern.
• Another emoji-ist: “Tongue cash bag Scorpio.” Nothing about that is promising.
• And another one. “Fart cloud fart cloud fart cloud.” I think that’s what those are. Her actual selections could also have run away cartoonishly or it could be Kirby’s ghost three times.
• Amber here is wearing a tied-up shirt and a miniskirt and says “in an open relationship.” Do you want a disease, because this is how you get a disease.
• According to this one’s emoji profile, she likes… weightlifting and peaches? She really likes peaches.
• “Chief executive officer at Self-employed”
• This one has an emoji which might be supposed to be a cherub, but looks more like Donald Trump wearing a plate on his head.
• “The dachshund is my dog.” How do you know? You don’t know which dachshund I have here.
• “Bonus points if you like country music.” Ah yeah but see, points massively deducted if YOU do.
• There is too much latex in these photographs. “Creatrix” doesn’t have me fooled about what kind of “trix” you’re really up to.
• Emoji time! “Canadian Lebanese papaya airplane soccer.” Why a papaya, though?
• I have now gone through and made recommended changes to my profile. I then made a non-recommended change and set my anthem to Mad About Me by Figrin D’An and the Modal Nodes. You cannot stop me. Nobody can stop me.
• I also crowned myself King of the Nerds. If I have to go down…
• “I’m a champion little spoon.” What’s that equate to in added soup satisfaction?
• She likes piña coladas but also is into yoga. I don’t think she understands the song.
• “Washed up athlete.”
• There are three women in this picture and there is only one picture on this profile. This is either some guy’s biggest fantasy or a shell game par excellence.
• I’ve been doing this for over an hour. How did this become my life? I’m not even swiping right on anybody. I’m literally just running around mocking poor grammar.
• See Meredith I feel like I know what your last name is if you wear a varsity jersey and have your back to the camera.
• Okay so this one is hilarious because she uses a picture of herself and other girls but she’s the only one without red-eye in the picture, so it’s like she’s trying to make a case that she’s the only available option that isn’t possessed by Legion.
• “Dog mom Donair pizza.” Is this… is this two word pairs… or is it four separate… Too confusing.
• Velma Dinkley cosplay.
• “Ish” is her name, “whaddup” is her lame. It says she’s less than a km away, though, so now I know I should get out and start walking until that number increases.
• “My anthem: Go Thru Your Phone”
• That’s a clock tower, though. …is the Halifax clock tower trying to date me? …I might not say no…
• “Assistant to the Regional Manager at Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.”
• HIKING. AGAIN.
• Seriously there must be money in making an app to connect all these lady hikers.
• “Chelsea” there’s only one place for people with that name.
• This one looks surprised to find herself in her own selfie. I can relate to that mood.
• Hiking. Not even mad.
• “I have good habits.” I don’t.
• “Avid hiker.”
• VEGETARIAN hiker. Double no!
• “I judge a place by the quality of a selfie I can take in the bathroom.” Would you like to know how I judge a person?
• I feel like this girl would be very pretty if she wasn’t smiling with her teeth. Or snarling, as she is in this case. I really cannot downplay how much this ends up looking like an otherwise pretty person snarling at you. Maybe she just doesn’t enjoy being in photographs.
• “NO COPS, BOSSES, LANDLORDS, MILITARY, OR POLITICIANS.” I feel like “bosses” is a reeeeeally broad category to be eliminating there.
• “Plz tell me ur fav conspiracy theory or ur zodiac sign”
• Wait, HARLEEN? That’s your actual goddamn name is HARLEEN? I’m the wrong supervillain for you.
• “If you have pets I will melt.” Isn’t that what water, fire, and/or acid are for?
• “Also, I’m 10% black.” Photo is red-haired white girl. “Ancestry confirmed.”
• “Excels at bullying” Not even kidding
• “Open relationship disclaimer”
• “Looking for my Chandler.” Here it is!
• “Oxford comma enthusiast” You’re a disease, madam.
• “Send me your banking info.”
• Hiking.
• “Let’s get to know each other and then maybe I’ll buy you pizza and touch your butt.” Why is this woman threatening me? I never did anything to her.
• “Avid jaywalker.”
• This one has a pug.
• “Need someone who also is passionate about the great outdoors.” I passionately hate it, does that qualify?
• “Broke a guy’s arm once while making out” but was it the guy you were making out with, or are you some sort of amorous karate killing machine? Cause not gonna lie, that could work for me.
• “I spend too much time talking about poop.”
• “Dislikes: paper cuts, war” ESCALATE MUCH?
• “Love to hike.” Of course you do, honey.
• One thing I like about this is I get to see lots of interesting views of the city. That have ludicrous people blocking parts of them, sure…
• This one is presenting the crucifix. I am incapable of advancing any further.
Well that was prolifically insane and unproductive. Let us leave this monstrous thing be.